A Spouse's Response: Depression

After reading my post last week, Brett wanted to respond, the following post is from him: 

Last week my wife posted a blog about her battle with postpartum depression. Shannon is a miracle in my life who continues to bestow miracles upon me in the forms of transformation, restoration, and these two awesome little people. I feel obligated to write some kind of response or complimentary piece, offering the perspective of the spouse. First of all, I must start by saying how incredibly proud of Shannon I am for having the nerve to write this and the willingness to be so vulnerable and transparent. This piece, I’m convinced, can save lives with it’s gritty, honest take on an issue that has been taboo for far too long. Furthermore, I hope that more than just young mothers and their spouses took time to read this. As someone who battled depression through all of my adolescence, I was blessed by the reading.

When life changing events take place one of the most common phrases to hear is, “everything happens for a reason.” This could not be further from the truth. I see no evidence of such nonsense in my life nor do I see it as a necessity for a life of faith. While this may seem tangential, I bring it up for a purpose; sometimes crap just happens. Sometimes really unbelievably terrible, unimaginable things happen and there is not a single good or logical reason that can be gleaned from it. However, I firmly believe that redemption and re-creation are central to the stories of the people of God throughout history. So, not everything happens for a reason and sometimes bad stuff just happens, but God brings unforeseeable good out of hopeless scenarios unimaginably more often than we want to acknowledge. If we did acknowledge it, we might not share these trite quips when people are hurting or dying inside.

Shannon is a pastor. I’d argue that being a pastor really just means that she is supposed to provide vision, truth, and care for people who choose a specific worshipping community. However, it has come to be something else entirely: the pastor is to be the Christian that their parishioners admire, but can’t be.  I’m new to all of this pastor family stuff, but I didn’t know what to do when Shannon couldn’t get out of bed and clearly needed help. I knew our church would support her, but I also knew that she wouldn’t admit or discuss any of this with them. In case you didn’t know it, no pastors are anywhere near perfect. In fact, I'd bet there’s someone out there for every single pastor who knows something that could ruin them. So, I am still not sure what I should have done in this spot, but I’m positive that we have to find a way to revere the role of the pastor without trying to force deification on them.

What I did (right or wrong) was recognize that my wife was sick and cared for her accordingly. What I mean is that if you live with someone who has a chronic illness you don’t tell them to get over it or to take care of themselves because you have stuff to do. I did my best to help her. However, I absolutely blew it in two obvious places.

      1.  If you know that someone is sick and don’t send them to a doctor, you’re in the wrong. It’s not when someone is on their deathbed that we tell them to go to their family physician and get it looked at. I knew that Shannon was depressed and I waited until I was worried that she might not survive it to ask her to go to the doctor. Are you kidding me? What in the world was I thinking? 

What’s unique about depression is that it’s both physical and emotional. Even when I did
tell her that she needed help, I only told her to find someone to talk to. That’s like asking
someone whose eye is hanging out of its socket how they feel about everyone staring.
They’re going to need to have that discussion at some point, but maybe address the
physical needs that are going on as well.

2.    I tiptoed around subjects that I knew would piss her off because I thought it would be better not to upset her further. Mainly, I wouldn’t ask her if she was depressed, or taking her meds, or anything of the sort. I could have been sacrificing the life of the person I love the most in exchange for a more comfortable conversation. Take a moment to ponder how selfish and short sighted that is. Thank God my wife came through, but I continually imagine if she hadn’t how I would feel about all of those times that I bit my tongue just to make conversation more comfortable.

If your spouse, loved one, or roommate are struggling with depression, please have the uncomfortable conversations. Take your loved one to the doctor and counselor. They might be mad at you for a while and might pick a fight or three, but it might save their life.

What’s incredible is that the moment you realize that their sickness isn’t about you, you can be free to help in an entirely new way. The words they say that aren’t kind aren’t about you; it’s easier to be isolated than it is to be engaged in depression. Their exhaustion and inability to get out of bed isn’t about you. Let that knowledge free you up to care for them in the way they need. This means however (especially if it is your spouse), that your life is going to look different for a while; you won’t have the social life you’re used to or get to do as much stuff. But lose yourself in service to your loved one and allow it to change the essence of who you are. 

Today what Shanny and I deal with is the downside to any epiphany; lost opportunity. My heart breaks for Shannon when she laments missed time with Judah bug. Truly, the only response that I can muster besides just hugs and I’m sorry is that you can’t help what you miss when you’re sick. While that doesn’t make the missed opportunity feel any better, my prayer is that it will help in relinquishing the guilt. I’ve never had a shred of guilt when I failed to make dinner because of a migraine headache. When you’re sick you miss stuff.  It’s heartbreaking, but we can't let guilt steal more time. Recognize depression for what it is and hopefully that will free you from that guilt.

I can honestly say that the last three years I have found joy in places I didn’t know it existed. My wife and I are undoubtedly closer than we ever would have been without her illness. I have grown as a husband and a father because of the necessity of caring for Shannon and Judah. Of course, I wish that Shanny had never gone through this time, but I’d be lying if I said that it hadn’t improved our relationship and ultimately our lives in so many ways. Everything doesn’t happen for a reason, but God can use those hard times for good in ways we couldn’t have imagined.