It's a Boy! Again!

19 Weeks and 4 days (144 days left!)
Weight: Over half a pound (a big one just like Judah!)
Healthy and active! 

We are having another baby and we could not be more excited! The blog is up and running again so you can keep track along with me if you'd like for baby #2, which could also be called last baby (just to get a jump start on all of those delightful month-after-baby-comes questions: when are you going to have another?? We're not.)

Baby Spangler #2 is a boy! A little man for Judah to play with and brothers to grow together! We are so excited. I also am officially and forever outnumbered, three boys and mama.

Something I can't get enough of this time around is the term "advanced maternal age" which comes up A LOT! The high risk doctor (since I'm SO OLD I had to go), said it about twenty times in the appointment today. I get it bro, I'm old.

I have heard over and over again each pregnancy is different and how true it is! This time, after only six weeks that belly popped right out. Last time I was 4 months when I started showing. I've thrown up a whole lot less this time, which is a plus. Being pregnant with a toddler at home is exhausting though. Last time I could rest if I was tired, this time there is a two year old who wants to play or needs to eat. 

(Only 8 weeks!)

Naming a second baby is hard because you have to follow the same rules as the first one. In our case: Biblical first name, not too popular but not too weird. Second name that honors a loved one. We'll get there eventually, we've got time. Judah has given many good name suggestions, the best of which are Chewbacca, Goofy and Nana. The other ones are a little less acceptable like "baby" and "fall down" (because "I push him"). 

One of the things that we read was that when you have other children at home you should refer to the baby as "our baby" so that the other kids take ownership and feel like they are a part of what is happening. This has worked so well with Judah that he mostly refers to the baby as "my baby." Last night he said, "Mommy, how is my baby? Baby growing in your tummy?" And he talks about being able to play with him and show him the toys downstairs. This is good because Judah's initial response to having a baby brother or sister was "No, no, no thank you, no, no."

As you can probably guess we're both very excited and very terrified, and are anticipating baby #2 at the beginning of the new year. Keep connected here for more info as I grow! 

Twenty Years (A tribute to my dad)

Today is twenty years...twenty years since my dad died. Twenty years is a long time, but not enough time to be past all of the emotions that come with losing a parent (I'm sure that never goes away). Every year it sneaks up on me because I don't prepare for it and then I see the date on a check or in my email and there it is, another year passed, and it makes me catch my breath. 

But that's how death is, isn't it? The memories sneak up when you least expect them and leak out of your eyes. Over the years there have been many moments (big and small) when this happens: my graduation, my sister's wedding, MY wedding, the start of the Olympics this year (of all things). 

(Pastor - Dad in his office)

As I remember my dad this year, let me tell you a story: 

(Important side note to start: Judah calls my biological dad "Papa Candy" because when we showed him pictures and talked about him that's what Judah thought we said instead of "Papa Andy" and it's so cute we didn't correct it.)

My dad's grave is in West Virginia. It's where he grew up and where his mom was when he died and since he was a pastor and we moved around it didn't make sense to bury him somewhere we weren't sure we'd be...so my dad's grave is in West Virginia. What this means is that I've been there three...maybe four times in 20 years. The last time was when grandma died in 2008.

We drove by St. Albans on our way to family vacation a few weeks ago and we decided to go by since it's so rare that we're in that area. On the way I told Brett and Judah some of my favorite stories about my dad and the things he would say and do. 

But how do you explain going to a grave site to a two year old? When we got there we there we decided it was best not to say "this is where Papa Candy is" because he might worry about that or want to see him. So instead we told him that it is a special place where we can go to remember Papa Candy.

As we were walking through looking for the gravestone Judah kept giggling and talking about Papa Candy. After a few minutes he began to get upset, and then he got distraught and started crying and saying "I see Papa Candy!" Even with our caution, he thought he was going to meet Papa Candy. We kept trying to explain to him that Papa Candy wasn't there, but it didn't help. It was heartbreaking for me. 

It's a hard enough thing to deal with my own emotions and loss about not having my dad around, but that day in the cemetery I understood (once again) that the impact of death is far reaching. My dad's death more than just impacts me and my siblings and my mom. 

My husband never got to meet him, and what a shame. How much trouble they would have caused together! How much fun they would have had! How many discussions (arguments) they would have had over politics! 

And my children will never meet him, or hear those stories about me as a kid, or learn guitar (or ukulele, or banjo or harmonica) from him. And at this age, Judah doesn't understand why he doesn't get to meet someone whose picture is up in our house.  

(The year I was born, with Dad and my older sister)

My history is a little less complete for not having his love, his stories, his advice, his wisdom. And while I am truly grateful for the men in my life; for my amazing step-dad, my wonderful father-in-law, for great uncles and siblings and other men who speak into my life...there is always a little missing piece, a dad-shaped hole. 

And so today, I remember my dad. Twenty years...it's a long time, but also it's not that long at all.