Maternity Leave is NOT Vacation

Moments in life that are monumental: having a child

In January we welcomed our second baby, how has it already been two months!?

Isaiah David Spangler
Born: 9lbs 14 oz. and 21.5 inches long.
At two months: 13lbs 8 oz.
He is a BIG little guy, healthy and growing.

(Daddy meets Isaiah)

(Judah meets his baby brother)

(Mommy and Isaiah bonding in the hospital)

The first month of having a new baby is hard. It's full of blessings too, don't get me wrong, but it is HARD. And just like everyone told me, having two is not twice as much work as one...it's like 3 or 4 times as much work. But two months in we are settling into a fluid routine, at least he seems to know when it's night (finally). I think that's as good as it will get for the time being. I am reminded once again that maternity leave is NOT vacation...and yes, I did have several people tell me to have fun on my break. As if healing from major surgery while caring for an infant and a toddler can be classified as "a break" in any way.

(Our family of four)

There are days that just keeping myself and Isaiah alive are all I can do, and I give thanks for Brett who takes care of the rest. There are days when I am overwhelmed with frustration, days when I can't keep the cranky off my face, there are days when I wonder how I managed to keep up with my ministry with all that needs done, and now there are two kids! But there is also so much joy, daily reminders of why it's all worth it, moments full of fun, and looking forward to all that being a family of four will mean.

(Intrigued with each other)

Regarding having a newborn in the house...it's only been two and half years but I've forgotten so much! So I'm learning how to breastfeed again, and relearning that nursing is a choice I've made that is both very hard to do and very hard to stick with. I'm relearning how squirmy newborns are when changing diapers and changing clothes and getting baths, and that little boys pee on you as often as they can. I'm relearning how painfully tired you can be and still have duties to perform. I'm relearning that there are deep sorrowful moments where I think, "I can't do this!" And I'm also relearning that there are deep joyful moments where I can't believe I created this miracle.

(One month pictures)

There are brand new things too: like how sweet Judah is in a totally different way, and how my heart can split and grow in a way I never thought was possible (before Isaiah was born I often thought, "my God, how will I love this one as much?"). And this time I'm mourning moments as they go by, since Isaiah is our last one, and taking mental pictures to remember both the challenge and the joy of these early days.

(Daddy and Isaiah)

So, how is Judah dealing with all of this? Mostly like a champ. He LOVES his brother. When we got home from the hospital he was very disappointed that Isaiah would not be sharing his room. He talks to Isaiah all the time and occasionally will say, "Mommy, he's not talking to me" or "he won't look at me." He gives Isaiah hugs and kisses and brings him toys and other things he thinks his "brudder" will like. He is such a great helper and encourages us in the ways that we can help his baby (yes, HIS baby): "Mommy, I think Isaiah wants a drink from your tummy"..."Daddy, I think my baby needs a toy"...and he comforts Isaiah when he cries (like one day in the car), "Don't worry Isaiah, we'll be home soon."

(Judah "burping" Isaiah like mommy does)

We really haven't had any of that hatred-of-new-baby from him. The only thing that indicates that he notices how much Isaiah has disrupted how we functioned before is his dislike of me on occasion. There was a short time period in those first few weeks when Judah wouldn't have anything to do with me. He wouldn't let me hug him or kiss him or get him things. Why does no one tell you that when you bring home baby #2 that baby #1 will hate you? I sobbed to my parents and Brett and cried myself to sleep several times because of this. As he's gotten used to Isaiah being around and needing mommy though, that has gone away, he's my loving little boy again. And Brett and I try to share the time so that Judah never feels slighted by me, though this does mean that there are times when Isaiah has to wait a few minutes to eat or cries to daddy for a little while, but these are the challenges of having more than one child.

(Our happy little guy)

As might be expected, my emotions have been all over the place. And while I am not dealing with postpartum depression like I did with Judah (I'll talk about that in a later blog), it is still a daily choice to be calm and loving and rational because there are moments when I feel none of those. The reminder to hold on comes from places like when Brett lovingly reminds me how much joy we have - and he's right. I'm married to my best friend, I have two beautiful boys, we have a warm house and food to eat and a supportive family. The reminders also come from things like late night nursing sessions when I become aware of how much I am needed by my newest baby and from grocery store declarations of love from my two year old in the middle of the produce aisle.

(Two month pictures)

Through this, I am reminded once again what a blessing it is that I get to be a mother, not everyone has that ability/chance/opportunity. So even in the midst of sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, crazy emotions and chaos...I give thanks to God for this life and for the opportunity to be called "Mommy."

A Change of Plans

Status: 39 weeks, 2 days
Baby: Huge...probably over 10 pounds and growing daily

(This is what a very pregnant Shannon looks like - even Judah is surprised!) 

Well, here we are several days from the due date. We went to see the doctor on Friday and she told me, "we'd better take that baby."  Even though this baby is enormous, and maybe bigger than they think,  that kind of change of plans this late can really mess with your mind. I pretty much cried all day Friday.

The safest thing for both of us at this point is a C-section, which we have scheduled for tomorrow morning.  To say I'm anxious is an understatement. I know it's more and more common, I know a lot of women who have done childbirth this way, and I remember how physically traumatic my first delivery was (check out this post about it: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly)...but I'm still anxious.

A positive is that it is nice to be able to make plans...today for instance we're doing a last fun day with Judah, one last day as a family of three. From tomorrow on we'll be four.

Let me admit something, I'm excited to meet this little boy, but I'm mourning our little family of three. We know how things work, we've got a rhythm. I'm also freaking out about being able to love this new kid as much. I love Judah so much, what if I don't love this one as much? What if he's not as cool as Judah? What if Judah doesn't like him?

Just sharing some of my many anxieties with you...this is a short one, I just wanted to update you all on what's happening. We would appreciate your prayers tomorrow for safety for baby and for me.

(Our last day as three)

9 months and Merry Christmas!

Status: 36 weeks (9 months)
Baby: (According to my OB) large, 80th percentile

 (Baby Spangler #2 at 34 weeks)

I know I haven't blogged very much with this one, it's been a fairly normal pregnancy. In addition to that, when you have a two-year-old running around with you and a full time job, your time is not your own. I'm doing what I can!

I need to be real honest, when you're nine months pregnant it is hard to focus on or care about anything else. It's hard to care about the things that are going on in the world. It's hard to focus on your job. It's hard to care about what how your house looks. It's hard to care how about you look. 

(Very pregnant Momma and Judah cuddling)

And my gosh I'm so uncomfortable. But, as if I don't already feel enormous, everyone who sees me wants to remind me that I look like I'm about to pop (or asks me if there's more than one baby in there). Sigh...no I'm not about to pop, my due date is still 4 weeks away. But I am cranky and sore and big, so I really appreciate those comments. And I've hit that sweet spot where I'm so emotional that I cry constantly, when I'm sad or when I'm mad or when nothing in particular is happening. So, I'm a delightful ball of crazy right now. My apologies for those who have to deal with me.

For example, I woke up from a nap this week (because I'm nine months pregnant I need a nap in order to be able to function) and cried when my alarm went off. I called Brett and that amazing man gave me a three-minute motivation. I kept saying I can't… I can't…I can't...and he said, "Maybe not, but WE can." I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly don't know how people without a supportive partner do it.

But enough complaining! I'm excited to meet this little guy and complete our family of four. Our little Judah is super excited about his baby brother too. He talks about him all the time, he's bought him gifts, and he's really thoughtful about what will happen when "my baby" comes (he has taken on the new baby as his own). Judah has chosen toys to share with him and foods he wants him to try. It's pretty adorable. I showed Judah the most recent sonogram and he said, "I can't wait to hug him and kiss him and share my raisins."

As far as Judah goes, he's doing well. He's two and half now and is such a funny, intelligent little guy. We feel truly blessed. There are so many funny stories I could share but let me just give you one example. We were changing clothes for bed and I left him in a diaper to get some jammies and he yelled, "Mommy, I found something on my body!" He seemed genuinely concerned. I looked where he was pointing and I said, "Well Judah that's your nipple. You have two. Everyone has nipples." He looked down at it and said in the saddest voice I've ever heard, "Oh....I don't WANT a nipple!" Too cute.

Well, we are looking forward to sharing our newest edition with you soon. In the meantime, Merry Christmas, friends!

(Judah, Christmas 2016)

It's a Boy! Again!

19 Weeks and 4 days (144 days left!)
Weight: Over half a pound (a big one just like Judah!)
Healthy and active! 

We are having another baby and we could not be more excited! The blog is up and running again so you can keep track along with me if you'd like for baby #2, which could also be called last baby (just to get a jump start on all of those delightful month-after-baby-comes questions: when are you going to have another?? We're not.)

Baby Spangler #2 is a boy! A little man for Judah to play with and brothers to grow together! We are so excited. I also am officially and forever outnumbered, three boys and mama.

Something I can't get enough of this time around is the term "advanced maternal age" which comes up A LOT! The high risk doctor (since I'm SO OLD I had to go), said it about twenty times in the appointment today. I get it bro, I'm old.

I have heard over and over again each pregnancy is different and how true it is! This time, after only six weeks that belly popped right out. Last time I was 4 months when I started showing. I've thrown up a whole lot less this time, which is a plus. Being pregnant with a toddler at home is exhausting though. Last time I could rest if I was tired, this time there is a two year old who wants to play or needs to eat. 

(Only 8 weeks!)

Naming a second baby is hard because you have to follow the same rules as the first one. In our case: Biblical first name, not too popular but not too weird. Second name that honors a loved one. We'll get there eventually, we've got time. Judah has given many good name suggestions, the best of which are Chewbacca, Goofy and Nana. The other ones are a little less acceptable like "baby" and "fall down" (because "I push him"). 

One of the things that we read was that when you have other children at home you should refer to the baby as "our baby" so that the other kids take ownership and feel like they are a part of what is happening. This has worked so well with Judah that he mostly refers to the baby as "my baby." Last night he said, "Mommy, how is my baby? Baby growing in your tummy?" And he talks about being able to play with him and show him the toys downstairs. This is good because Judah's initial response to having a baby brother or sister was "No, no, no thank you, no, no."

As you can probably guess we're both very excited and very terrified, and are anticipating baby #2 at the beginning of the new year. Keep connected here for more info as I grow! 

Twenty Years (A tribute to my dad)

Today is twenty years...twenty years since my dad died. Twenty years is a long time, but not enough time to be past all of the emotions that come with losing a parent (I'm sure that never goes away). Every year it sneaks up on me because I don't prepare for it and then I see the date on a check or in my email and there it is, another year passed, and it makes me catch my breath. 

But that's how death is, isn't it? The memories sneak up when you least expect them and leak out of your eyes. Over the years there have been many moments (big and small) when this happens: my graduation, my sister's wedding, MY wedding, the start of the Olympics this year (of all things). 

(Pastor - Dad in his office)

As I remember my dad this year, let me tell you a story: 

(Important side note to start: Judah calls my biological dad "Papa Candy" because when we showed him pictures and talked about him that's what Judah thought we said instead of "Papa Andy" and it's so cute we didn't correct it.)

My dad's grave is in West Virginia. It's where he grew up and where his mom was when he died and since he was a pastor and we moved around it didn't make sense to bury him somewhere we weren't sure we'd be...so my dad's grave is in West Virginia. What this means is that I've been there three...maybe four times in 20 years. The last time was when grandma died in 2008.

We drove by St. Albans on our way to family vacation a few weeks ago and we decided to go by since it's so rare that we're in that area. On the way I told Brett and Judah some of my favorite stories about my dad and the things he would say and do. 

But how do you explain going to a grave site to a two year old? When we got there we there we decided it was best not to say "this is where Papa Candy is" because he might worry about that or want to see him. So instead we told him that it is a special place where we can go to remember Papa Candy.

As we were walking through looking for the gravestone Judah kept giggling and talking about Papa Candy. After a few minutes he began to get upset, and then he got distraught and started crying and saying "I see Papa Candy!" Even with our caution, he thought he was going to meet Papa Candy. We kept trying to explain to him that Papa Candy wasn't there, but it didn't help. It was heartbreaking for me. 

It's a hard enough thing to deal with my own emotions and loss about not having my dad around, but that day in the cemetery I understood (once again) that the impact of death is far reaching. My dad's death more than just impacts me and my siblings and my mom. 

My husband never got to meet him, and what a shame. How much trouble they would have caused together! How much fun they would have had! How many discussions (arguments) they would have had over politics! 

And my children will never meet him, or hear those stories about me as a kid, or learn guitar (or ukulele, or banjo or harmonica) from him. And at this age, Judah doesn't understand why he doesn't get to meet someone whose picture is up in our house.  

(The year I was born, with Dad and my older sister)

My history is a little less complete for not having his love, his stories, his advice, his wisdom. And while I am truly grateful for the men in my life; for my amazing step-dad, my wonderful father-in-law, for great uncles and siblings and other men who speak into my life...there is always a little missing piece, a dad-shaped hole. 

And so today, I remember my dad. Twenty years...it's a long time, but also it's not that long at all. 

525,600 minutes of Judah

525,600 minutes...how do you measure, measure a year?

Our little Judah Mitchell (so longed-after, so prayed-for, such a gift) is one. How did this happen? How are we already here? How has life sped up so quickly that in the blink of an eye our once hope-dream is now a little boy?

And what an amazing little guy he is. Last week we had his 1 year well-baby visit. Judah is just at 21 lbs, he is almost 31" tall and he is in great health! He is talking more and walking and he laughs all the time (Pic. below is Judah and Daddy at his 1 year doctor visit)

He was taking steps last month but really starting rolling the week before his birthday. He's got the cutest little wobbly walk. He still chooses to crawl sometimes because it's faster and when he's tired his balance goes to crap.

He's picking up words quickly all of a sudden (he now has 7 words that we understand) and he also tries to imitate our phrases/emphasis. He babbles constantly (seriously...it's constant) and we are looking forward to when we can understand what he's trying to communicate. There are times when he will look us in the eye and say something and wait for a response. The other night he sat up from nursing, looked me full in the face and said "Momma, awoosh." Very matter-of-fact, and I had no idea what he meant. Poor little guy.

Something we discovered on his birthday is that he loves cards. We think he thinks they're little books, he keeps them all with his toys and will bring them to us to read. He'll spend time opening and closing them and looking at the pictures. He is learning how to draw/color...he's also learning that those bright things (crayons) aren't for eating...well he's not got that down yet.

Not everything is cute however, with a baby. For example, every night before bed our routine includes naked time in his room (he's naked not us). He loves the freedom and hides behind the rocking chair when it's time for a diaper. For us this is a daily game of roulette. A few times he's peed on a book or the carpet...no problem, pretty easy to clean. Well the other night he went over to the closet during naked time (he's back and forth between us and playing while we're reading to him so we didn't really think much of this). When he left the closet we saw that he had deposited a tidy little pile in there. The good news is that while his room is carpeted, the closet has wooden floors. So at least it didn't happen on the carpet! I guess this is the risk we take with naked time.

Well, what else can I say? He's an amazing little guy and we love watching him go through these stages of life. We have a one year old!

525,600 minutes...how do you measure, measure a year? Measure in love.

The struggle of being a wife-mommy-pastor

Being a sane first-time parent takes some adjusting, I'm just being honest for my situation. Maybe you jumped right into it and got gold stars in parenting, that has not been my experience. It's taking some time to figure out how to do life with a kid (I'm still working on it!)

So, can I be really honest? I feel like a failure. For the last year (maybe plus some) I have been constantly fighting the feeling that I am failing in EVERY aspect of my life: as a wife, as a mom, as a pastor, as a friend, as a homemaker. I feel like nothing is getting enough time and therefore each area is suffering. It's tough to feel like a failure and like you're constantly letting everyone down. It's truly been a huge struggle. 

This past month I finally feel like I'm turning a corner with this. Several things have led to this change.

The first and most important is Brett. I honestly could not ask for a better partner. And I honestly could not have made it through this last few years without him. This man has been strong when I'm weak, kind when I'm hard on myself, he has encouraged me, and supported me and loved me through these last few years of major transition. He is my best friend and my loving spouse, he is a caring and attentive father. Even though I'm shaped differently and struggling with my self-image he continues to tell me I'm more beautiful every day. Even when the house is a mess, he says life is so much better now. He continues to encourage me, even when I struggle to get better. This man is amazing. 

The other thing that has been a major piece of this corner-turning is my support groups. I have four support groups I want to tell you about:  

1) School friends: Last week I went for a Pastor's retreat with several friends from seminary. We went to school together, we are all around the same age and we are all in ministry in some capacity. We stay in touch weekly (sometimes daily) with a facebook group, texts, emails...and twice a year or so we physically get together. This group keeps me going. They make me feel sane. We laugh together, cry together, dream together, and hash things out. We talk about ministry, yes, but we also talk about life. We have amazing deep discussions and ridiculous late night conversations. The time is never enough.

2) The second group is all ladies. Last month I spent a week at a women clergy conference. This was absolutely soul building for me. These ladies are awesome, a few of them are also pastor-mom's - we're kind of a rare breed. These women are funny and kind and thoughtful. Just being around them is an encouragement...just knowing I'm not the "only one." Their advice, support and love has been so important for me and has helped me move through this transition. 

3) Third is my SHAPE group. SHAPE means "Sustaining Health and Pastoral Excellence." It is a Church of God initiative that puts pastors together to help us build one another up for ministry.  It's function is to help us get personally/spiritually/emotionally healthy. The thought is that if we are wholly healthy we will be better leaders/pastors. We meet once a month. This small group of people in Northeast Ohio have become so dear to me. We are so different in our personalities, leading style, station in life, etc. but we come together and all of that slips away as we listen to each other and share our hearts. We have some awesome discussions, we share deep hurts, we pray together and we work on ourselves...together.

4) My family. I'm not going to say a lot here, I have an amazing family. AMAZING. I could write paragraphs about each person. My family is my first and always support group. I cannot adequately express how they have kept me afloat. 

Just looking this over I feel so blessed, I love these people. I love each group. I love each person involved. They have helped me get past this lie I've told myself that I am a failure. My time with these awesome people has reassured me that 1) I'm not alone in this (life/ministry/whatever) and 2) I have more priorities now as a mom and that it's ok (and even necessary) that things will shift. 

These people (all of them in different ways) have helped me to see that I need to give myself some grace (Brett's been telling me this all along!). I'm going to work on that, but it's helpful to remember that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one dealing with this and that my new priorities are important and necessary. 

Because that's the thing, I CANNOT have the same priorities…there is literally another person who is dependent on me to be alive. It's so simple! I can't believe that it took me almost a year to figure out that's why I wasn't handling life well. Of course I'm not going to be able to give the same amount of attention to the church, of course the house isn't going to be as clean, of course I can't keep working 60+ hours a week, of course the garden can't get weeded every few days. Why did I think that I could continue to do everything else on top of being a mom? Of course some things had to change. What was I thinking? 

So a deep and true thank you to these people who have spoken truth to me. A sincere thank you for walking beside me through this, for dealing with me while I've been so difficult and for reminding me to love myself. I need you, I thank you, I love you! 

One last note: If you're feeling alone mommy-friend or daddy-friend or any type of friend that's reading this, I want to encourage you to find some like-minded (like-lifed) friends to share your story with and build each other up. Life is not meant to be done in isolation. You need them and they need you.  

"Friends afford us the chance to hear the voice of God's encouragement, feel the warmth of God's embrace and experience the intensity of God's listening...by receiving the love of people who, though they know us, love us anyway." Quote by Reggie McNeal, "A Work of Heart"