The struggle of being a wife-mommy-pastor

Being a sane first-time parent takes some adjusting, I'm just being honest for my situation. Maybe you jumped right into it and got gold stars in parenting, that has not been my experience. It's taking some time to figure out how to do life with a kid (I'm still working on it!)

So, can I be really honest? I feel like a failure. For the last year (maybe plus some) I have been constantly fighting the feeling that I am failing in EVERY aspect of my life: as a wife, as a mom, as a pastor, as a friend, as a homemaker. I feel like nothing is getting enough time and therefore each area is suffering. It's tough to feel like a failure and like you're constantly letting everyone down. It's truly been a huge struggle. 

This past month I finally feel like I'm turning a corner with this. Several things have led to this change.

The first and most important is Brett. I honestly could not ask for a better partner. And I honestly could not have made it through this last few years without him. This man has been strong when I'm weak, kind when I'm hard on myself, he has encouraged me, and supported me and loved me through these last few years of major transition. He is my best friend and my loving spouse, he is a caring and attentive father. Even though I'm shaped differently and struggling with my self-image he continues to tell me I'm more beautiful every day. Even when the house is a mess, he says life is so much better now. He continues to encourage me, even when I struggle to get better. This man is amazing. 

The other thing that has been a major piece of this corner-turning is my support groups. I have four support groups I want to tell you about:  

1) School friends: Last week I went for a Pastor's retreat with several friends from seminary. We went to school together, we are all around the same age and we are all in ministry in some capacity. We stay in touch weekly (sometimes daily) with a facebook group, texts, emails...and twice a year or so we physically get together. This group keeps me going. They make me feel sane. We laugh together, cry together, dream together, and hash things out. We talk about ministry, yes, but we also talk about life. We have amazing deep discussions and ridiculous late night conversations. The time is never enough.

2) The second group is all ladies. Last month I spent a week at a women clergy conference. This was absolutely soul building for me. These ladies are awesome, a few of them are also pastor-mom's - we're kind of a rare breed. These women are funny and kind and thoughtful. Just being around them is an encouragement...just knowing I'm not the "only one." Their advice, support and love has been so important for me and has helped me move through this transition. 

3) Third is my SHAPE group. SHAPE means "Sustaining Health and Pastoral Excellence." It is a Church of God initiative that puts pastors together to help us build one another up for ministry.  It's function is to help us get personally/spiritually/emotionally healthy. The thought is that if we are wholly healthy we will be better leaders/pastors. We meet once a month. This small group of people in Northeast Ohio have become so dear to me. We are so different in our personalities, leading style, station in life, etc. but we come together and all of that slips away as we listen to each other and share our hearts. We have some awesome discussions, we share deep hurts, we pray together and we work on ourselves...together.

4) My family. I'm not going to say a lot here, I have an amazing family. AMAZING. I could write paragraphs about each person. My family is my first and always support group. I cannot adequately express how they have kept me afloat. 

Just looking this over I feel so blessed, I love these people. I love each group. I love each person involved. They have helped me get past this lie I've told myself that I am a failure. My time with these awesome people has reassured me that 1) I'm not alone in this (life/ministry/whatever) and 2) I have more priorities now as a mom and that it's ok (and even necessary) that things will shift. 

These people (all of them in different ways) have helped me to see that I need to give myself some grace (Brett's been telling me this all along!). I'm going to work on that, but it's helpful to remember that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one dealing with this and that my new priorities are important and necessary. 

Because that's the thing, I CANNOT have the same priorities…there is literally another person who is dependent on me to be alive. It's so simple! I can't believe that it took me almost a year to figure out that's why I wasn't handling life well. Of course I'm not going to be able to give the same amount of attention to the church, of course the house isn't going to be as clean, of course I can't keep working 60+ hours a week, of course the garden can't get weeded every few days. Why did I think that I could continue to do everything else on top of being a mom? Of course some things had to change. What was I thinking? 

So a deep and true thank you to these people who have spoken truth to me. A sincere thank you for walking beside me through this, for dealing with me while I've been so difficult and for reminding me to love myself. I need you, I thank you, I love you! 

One last note: If you're feeling alone mommy-friend or daddy-friend or any type of friend that's reading this, I want to encourage you to find some like-minded (like-lifed) friends to share your story with and build each other up. Life is not meant to be done in isolation. You need them and they need you.  

"Friends afford us the chance to hear the voice of God's encouragement, feel the warmth of God's embrace and experience the intensity of God's listening...by receiving the love of people who, though they know us, love us anyway." Quote by Reggie McNeal, "A Work of Heart"

Thankful Thursday

Today my whole Thankful Thursday post is dedicated to my husband.

Many of you know Brett, but I don't know that you know him really, as he is with me.  I wish you could see this guy. Over the last three months I have been sick, cranky, hard to deal with, sick, emotional, tired, sick, and generally require a lot of care.

He rubs my back when I'm sick, he takes my attitude with calm and grace, he continually tells me he loves me and is supportive, he holds me when I cry and speaks rationally when I can't see it.  He has taken over most of the cleaning and laundry duties and won't let me do too much.  He gives me daily foot/hand rubs and brings me breakfast in bed.  He has taken to working most days at the church (he usually works from home) so that he can be with me. There's so much more and I could really go on and on...but let me just say he not only does all of these things, he does it without complaint.

I am truly blessed.  This man is wonderful, caring and truly my favorite. I thank God for him every single day. And I know that even though I'm worried about parenthood, this kid will have an amazing dad.

Thankful Thursday #19

Today I am thankful for:

1) A job that isn't a "job," but rather an excuse to dialogue about God and be relational. 

2) Friends and partners for the journey.

3) Jehovah Jireh - a God who provides. 

Psalm 106: 48 Blessed be the LORD, the God of Israel, From everlasting even to everlasting.
And let all the people say, “Amen.” Praise the LORD!

Anniversary

This week I celebrate 6 years of marriage to Brett. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful husband and such a great marriage. It's true that we have disagreements, we sometimes bicker and there are times when we have to make it work (as Tim Gunn would say). But I wouldn't change a thing.

My husband is my best friend, my supporter, my sounding board...he keeps me calm when I need it, he hugs me when I cry, he pushes me to be my best and makes me laugh when I'm cranky. He is generous, kind, funny and smart. He loves me more than I could ever explain and I love him that much too.

This is the song he played when we got engaged, and it was our first dance:

15 years...

In honor of Richard Andrew New:

Fifteen years ago today, I came home to a scene out of anyone's worst nightmare. The pastor was there, my aunt and uncle were there, we walked in and my mom was sobbing. I was 16 and although I didn't think so then, I was just a kid.

Fifteen years is a terribly long time....it's also not so very long really. Sometimes it seems so recent, and then there are times when I have trouble remembering, and other times when it seems surreal....

A few years ago I read A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving, this quote struck me as truth - tragic and beautiful: "When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose [him] all at once; you lose [him] in pieces over a long time--the way the mail stops coming, and [his] scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in [his] closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of [him] that are gone. Just when the day comes--when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that [he's] gone, forever--there comes another day, and another specifically missing part."

There are still days, and moments when I miss my Dad terribly. It's at those times I try to remember that when someone has helped shape who you are, they live on in you. Part of me comes from my Dad, and I'm proud to be his daughter.

Here is a picture of me and my Dad, when I was 2:

My life is weird

Well at one blog a month for the last few months - I've been off the radar. I've been so busy I can barely breath the last few months but things have finally settled down a little bit and I'm feeling like things are going to start flowing better. And here is what I would like to say:

My life is weird.

I am in the unique position of being one of a very small group of people: woman senior pastors (and a young one at that). What I've been thinking about lately is that because of this unique situation, I am in the position of having very few real friends/relationships. Many people who know what I do try to be a "more Christian" version of themselves around me and new people tend to back off or freak out when they find out what I do. People are not authentic with me, they keep me at arms length...it's a lonely place to be.

My husband is my best friend, which is grand, but the poor guy is really my only social outlet. It puts a lot of pressure on him and I'm not sure what to do about it. I have no one else to have fun with, hang out with, or just be Shannon with. I love my job, but it has isolated me too.

Father's Day

When I was a kid I loved Father's Day, then for a lot of years I hated Father's Day. Now I am back to a place where I can celebrate. There are many men in my life who are special and deserve honor on this day and I want to take the time to let them know (they will come in order or how long I have known them so that no-one gets hurt):

My Uncle Mitch:

Grandpa Fraley: My brother, Ashleigh:
My step-dad, Bob:

My brother-in-law, David: My father-in-law, Jack:

This list is by no means exhaustive of the men who have influenced my life, but it is the group of family that have served in that Dad role at one time or another. If you are a man and are a part of my life, I thank you.

In honor of my Dad, Richard Andrew New:

For Good

I wish there were more time for people. I get busy with work and life and TV and so many other things that don't matter that much. I want to remember that life is about the relationships that we have and the people we get to love and that love us.

I love the people I love so deeply, and sometimes I lament that some people are in our lives only for a small period of time. I think that as we travel through life we are given people for a season. Some people stay with us our whole life, or many seasons: your family, a few close friends. Others are there only for one season: floormates at college, a professor or collegue.

Unfortunately the short periods of time do not make it any easier to let go. Though I understand that life works this way, I hate it every time it happens. At times you can see the end coming, other times it is sudden. So I just wanted to let you all know, each person who has touched my life, whether in a small way or greatly, thank you and because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

From "Wicked":