A Spouse's Response: Depression

After reading my post last week, Brett wanted to respond, the following post is from him: 

Last week my wife posted a blog about her battle with postpartum depression. Shannon is a miracle in my life who continues to bestow miracles upon me in the forms of transformation, restoration, and these two awesome little people. I feel obligated to write some kind of response or complimentary piece, offering the perspective of the spouse. First of all, I must start by saying how incredibly proud of Shannon I am for having the nerve to write this and the willingness to be so vulnerable and transparent. This piece, I’m convinced, can save lives with it’s gritty, honest take on an issue that has been taboo for far too long. Furthermore, I hope that more than just young mothers and their spouses took time to read this. As someone who battled depression through all of my adolescence, I was blessed by the reading.

When life changing events take place one of the most common phrases to hear is, “everything happens for a reason.” This could not be further from the truth. I see no evidence of such nonsense in my life nor do I see it as a necessity for a life of faith. While this may seem tangential, I bring it up for a purpose; sometimes crap just happens. Sometimes really unbelievably terrible, unimaginable things happen and there is not a single good or logical reason that can be gleaned from it. However, I firmly believe that redemption and re-creation are central to the stories of the people of God throughout history. So, not everything happens for a reason and sometimes bad stuff just happens, but God brings unforeseeable good out of hopeless scenarios unimaginably more often than we want to acknowledge. If we did acknowledge it, we might not share these trite quips when people are hurting or dying inside.

Shannon is a pastor. I’d argue that being a pastor really just means that she is supposed to provide vision, truth, and care for people who choose a specific worshipping community. However, it has come to be something else entirely: the pastor is to be the Christian that their parishioners admire, but can’t be.  I’m new to all of this pastor family stuff, but I didn’t know what to do when Shannon couldn’t get out of bed and clearly needed help. I knew our church would support her, but I also knew that she wouldn’t admit or discuss any of this with them. In case you didn’t know it, no pastors are anywhere near perfect. In fact, I'd bet there’s someone out there for every single pastor who knows something that could ruin them. So, I am still not sure what I should have done in this spot, but I’m positive that we have to find a way to revere the role of the pastor without trying to force deification on them.

What I did (right or wrong) was recognize that my wife was sick and cared for her accordingly. What I mean is that if you live with someone who has a chronic illness you don’t tell them to get over it or to take care of themselves because you have stuff to do. I did my best to help her. However, I absolutely blew it in two obvious places.

      1.  If you know that someone is sick and don’t send them to a doctor, you’re in the wrong. It’s not when someone is on their deathbed that we tell them to go to their family physician and get it looked at. I knew that Shannon was depressed and I waited until I was worried that she might not survive it to ask her to go to the doctor. Are you kidding me? What in the world was I thinking? 

What’s unique about depression is that it’s both physical and emotional. Even when I did
tell her that she needed help, I only told her to find someone to talk to. That’s like asking
someone whose eye is hanging out of its socket how they feel about everyone staring.
They’re going to need to have that discussion at some point, but maybe address the
physical needs that are going on as well.

2.    I tiptoed around subjects that I knew would piss her off because I thought it would be better not to upset her further. Mainly, I wouldn’t ask her if she was depressed, or taking her meds, or anything of the sort. I could have been sacrificing the life of the person I love the most in exchange for a more comfortable conversation. Take a moment to ponder how selfish and short sighted that is. Thank God my wife came through, but I continually imagine if she hadn’t how I would feel about all of those times that I bit my tongue just to make conversation more comfortable.

If your spouse, loved one, or roommate are struggling with depression, please have the uncomfortable conversations. Take your loved one to the doctor and counselor. They might be mad at you for a while and might pick a fight or three, but it might save their life.

What’s incredible is that the moment you realize that their sickness isn’t about you, you can be free to help in an entirely new way. The words they say that aren’t kind aren’t about you; it’s easier to be isolated than it is to be engaged in depression. Their exhaustion and inability to get out of bed isn’t about you. Let that knowledge free you up to care for them in the way they need. This means however (especially if it is your spouse), that your life is going to look different for a while; you won’t have the social life you’re used to or get to do as much stuff. But lose yourself in service to your loved one and allow it to change the essence of who you are. 

Today what Shanny and I deal with is the downside to any epiphany; lost opportunity. My heart breaks for Shannon when she laments missed time with Judah bug. Truly, the only response that I can muster besides just hugs and I’m sorry is that you can’t help what you miss when you’re sick. While that doesn’t make the missed opportunity feel any better, my prayer is that it will help in relinquishing the guilt. I’ve never had a shred of guilt when I failed to make dinner because of a migraine headache. When you’re sick you miss stuff.  It’s heartbreaking, but we can't let guilt steal more time. Recognize depression for what it is and hopefully that will free you from that guilt.

I can honestly say that the last three years I have found joy in places I didn’t know it existed. My wife and I are undoubtedly closer than we ever would have been without her illness. I have grown as a husband and a father because of the necessity of caring for Shannon and Judah. Of course, I wish that Shanny had never gone through this time, but I’d be lying if I said that it hadn’t improved our relationship and ultimately our lives in so many ways. Everything doesn’t happen for a reason, but God can use those hard times for good in ways we couldn’t have imagined.  

Maternity Leave is NOT Vacation

Moments in life that are monumental: having a child

In January we welcomed our second baby, how has it already been two months!?

Isaiah David Spangler
Born: 9lbs 14 oz. and 21.5 inches long.
At two months: 13lbs 8 oz.
He is a BIG little guy, healthy and growing.

(Daddy meets Isaiah)

(Judah meets his baby brother)

(Mommy and Isaiah bonding in the hospital)

The first month of having a new baby is hard. It's full of blessings too, don't get me wrong, but it is HARD. And just like everyone told me, having two is not twice as much work as one...it's like 3 or 4 times as much work. But two months in we are settling into a fluid routine, at least he seems to know when it's night (finally). I think that's as good as it will get for the time being. I am reminded once again that maternity leave is NOT vacation...and yes, I did have several people tell me to have fun on my break. As if healing from major surgery while caring for an infant and a toddler can be classified as "a break" in any way.

(Our family of four)

There are days that just keeping myself and Isaiah alive are all I can do, and I give thanks for Brett who takes care of the rest. There are days when I am overwhelmed with frustration, days when I can't keep the cranky off my face, there are days when I wonder how I managed to keep up with my ministry with all that needs done, and now there are two kids! But there is also so much joy, daily reminders of why it's all worth it, moments full of fun, and looking forward to all that being a family of four will mean.

(Intrigued with each other)

Regarding having a newborn in the house...it's only been two and half years but I've forgotten so much! So I'm learning how to breastfeed again, and relearning that nursing is a choice I've made that is both very hard to do and very hard to stick with. I'm relearning how squirmy newborns are when changing diapers and changing clothes and getting baths, and that little boys pee on you as often as they can. I'm relearning how painfully tired you can be and still have duties to perform. I'm relearning that there are deep sorrowful moments where I think, "I can't do this!" And I'm also relearning that there are deep joyful moments where I can't believe I created this miracle.

(One month pictures)

There are brand new things too: like how sweet Judah is in a totally different way, and how my heart can split and grow in a way I never thought was possible (before Isaiah was born I often thought, "my God, how will I love this one as much?"). And this time I'm mourning moments as they go by, since Isaiah is our last one, and taking mental pictures to remember both the challenge and the joy of these early days.

(Daddy and Isaiah)

So, how is Judah dealing with all of this? Mostly like a champ. He LOVES his brother. When we got home from the hospital he was very disappointed that Isaiah would not be sharing his room. He talks to Isaiah all the time and occasionally will say, "Mommy, he's not talking to me" or "he won't look at me." He gives Isaiah hugs and kisses and brings him toys and other things he thinks his "brudder" will like. He is such a great helper and encourages us in the ways that we can help his baby (yes, HIS baby): "Mommy, I think Isaiah wants a drink from your tummy"..."Daddy, I think my baby needs a toy"...and he comforts Isaiah when he cries (like one day in the car), "Don't worry Isaiah, we'll be home soon."

(Judah "burping" Isaiah like mommy does)

We really haven't had any of that hatred-of-new-baby from him. The only thing that indicates that he notices how much Isaiah has disrupted how we functioned before is his dislike of me on occasion. There was a short time period in those first few weeks when Judah wouldn't have anything to do with me. He wouldn't let me hug him or kiss him or get him things. Why does no one tell you that when you bring home baby #2 that baby #1 will hate you? I sobbed to my parents and Brett and cried myself to sleep several times because of this. As he's gotten used to Isaiah being around and needing mommy though, that has gone away, he's my loving little boy again. And Brett and I try to share the time so that Judah never feels slighted by me, though this does mean that there are times when Isaiah has to wait a few minutes to eat or cries to daddy for a little while, but these are the challenges of having more than one child.

(Our happy little guy)

As might be expected, my emotions have been all over the place. And while I am not dealing with postpartum depression like I did with Judah (I'll talk about that in a later blog), it is still a daily choice to be calm and loving and rational because there are moments when I feel none of those. The reminder to hold on comes from places like when Brett lovingly reminds me how much joy we have - and he's right. I'm married to my best friend, I have two beautiful boys, we have a warm house and food to eat and a supportive family. The reminders also come from things like late night nursing sessions when I become aware of how much I am needed by my newest baby and from grocery store declarations of love from my two year old in the middle of the produce aisle.

(Two month pictures)

Through this, I am reminded once again what a blessing it is that I get to be a mother, not everyone has that ability/chance/opportunity. So even in the midst of sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, crazy emotions and chaos...I give thanks to God for this life and for the opportunity to be called "Mommy."

The struggle of being a wife-mommy-pastor

Being a sane first-time parent takes some adjusting, I'm just being honest for my situation. Maybe you jumped right into it and got gold stars in parenting, that has not been my experience. It's taking some time to figure out how to do life with a kid (I'm still working on it!)

So, can I be really honest? I feel like a failure. For the last year (maybe plus some) I have been constantly fighting the feeling that I am failing in EVERY aspect of my life: as a wife, as a mom, as a pastor, as a friend, as a homemaker. I feel like nothing is getting enough time and therefore each area is suffering. It's tough to feel like a failure and like you're constantly letting everyone down. It's truly been a huge struggle. 

This past month I finally feel like I'm turning a corner with this. Several things have led to this change.

The first and most important is Brett. I honestly could not ask for a better partner. And I honestly could not have made it through this last few years without him. This man has been strong when I'm weak, kind when I'm hard on myself, he has encouraged me, and supported me and loved me through these last few years of major transition. He is my best friend and my loving spouse, he is a caring and attentive father. Even though I'm shaped differently and struggling with my self-image he continues to tell me I'm more beautiful every day. Even when the house is a mess, he says life is so much better now. He continues to encourage me, even when I struggle to get better. This man is amazing. 

The other thing that has been a major piece of this corner-turning is my support groups. I have four support groups I want to tell you about:  

1) School friends: Last week I went for a Pastor's retreat with several friends from seminary. We went to school together, we are all around the same age and we are all in ministry in some capacity. We stay in touch weekly (sometimes daily) with a facebook group, texts, emails...and twice a year or so we physically get together. This group keeps me going. They make me feel sane. We laugh together, cry together, dream together, and hash things out. We talk about ministry, yes, but we also talk about life. We have amazing deep discussions and ridiculous late night conversations. The time is never enough.

2) The second group is all ladies. Last month I spent a week at a women clergy conference. This was absolutely soul building for me. These ladies are awesome, a few of them are also pastor-mom's - we're kind of a rare breed. These women are funny and kind and thoughtful. Just being around them is an encouragement...just knowing I'm not the "only one." Their advice, support and love has been so important for me and has helped me move through this transition. 

3) Third is my SHAPE group. SHAPE means "Sustaining Health and Pastoral Excellence." It is a Church of God initiative that puts pastors together to help us build one another up for ministry.  It's function is to help us get personally/spiritually/emotionally healthy. The thought is that if we are wholly healthy we will be better leaders/pastors. We meet once a month. This small group of people in Northeast Ohio have become so dear to me. We are so different in our personalities, leading style, station in life, etc. but we come together and all of that slips away as we listen to each other and share our hearts. We have some awesome discussions, we share deep hurts, we pray together and we work on ourselves...together.

4) My family. I'm not going to say a lot here, I have an amazing family. AMAZING. I could write paragraphs about each person. My family is my first and always support group. I cannot adequately express how they have kept me afloat. 

Just looking this over I feel so blessed, I love these people. I love each group. I love each person involved. They have helped me get past this lie I've told myself that I am a failure. My time with these awesome people has reassured me that 1) I'm not alone in this (life/ministry/whatever) and 2) I have more priorities now as a mom and that it's ok (and even necessary) that things will shift. 

These people (all of them in different ways) have helped me to see that I need to give myself some grace (Brett's been telling me this all along!). I'm going to work on that, but it's helpful to remember that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one dealing with this and that my new priorities are important and necessary. 

Because that's the thing, I CANNOT have the same priorities…there is literally another person who is dependent on me to be alive. It's so simple! I can't believe that it took me almost a year to figure out that's why I wasn't handling life well. Of course I'm not going to be able to give the same amount of attention to the church, of course the house isn't going to be as clean, of course I can't keep working 60+ hours a week, of course the garden can't get weeded every few days. Why did I think that I could continue to do everything else on top of being a mom? Of course some things had to change. What was I thinking? 

So a deep and true thank you to these people who have spoken truth to me. A sincere thank you for walking beside me through this, for dealing with me while I've been so difficult and for reminding me to love myself. I need you, I thank you, I love you! 

One last note: If you're feeling alone mommy-friend or daddy-friend or any type of friend that's reading this, I want to encourage you to find some like-minded (like-lifed) friends to share your story with and build each other up. Life is not meant to be done in isolation. You need them and they need you.  

"Friends afford us the chance to hear the voice of God's encouragement, feel the warmth of God's embrace and experience the intensity of God's listening...by receiving the love of people who, though they know us, love us anyway." Quote by Reggie McNeal, "A Work of Heart"