Maternity Leave is NOT Vacation

Moments in life that are monumental: having a child

In January we welcomed our second baby, how has it already been two months!?

Isaiah David Spangler
Born: 9lbs 14 oz. and 21.5 inches long.
At two months: 13lbs 8 oz.
He is a BIG little guy, healthy and growing.

(Daddy meets Isaiah)

(Judah meets his baby brother)

(Mommy and Isaiah bonding in the hospital)

The first month of having a new baby is hard. It's full of blessings too, don't get me wrong, but it is HARD. And just like everyone told me, having two is not twice as much work as one...it's like 3 or 4 times as much work. But two months in we are settling into a fluid routine, at least he seems to know when it's night (finally). I think that's as good as it will get for the time being. I am reminded once again that maternity leave is NOT vacation...and yes, I did have several people tell me to have fun on my break. As if healing from major surgery while caring for an infant and a toddler can be classified as "a break" in any way.

(Our family of four)

There are days that just keeping myself and Isaiah alive are all I can do, and I give thanks for Brett who takes care of the rest. There are days when I am overwhelmed with frustration, days when I can't keep the cranky off my face, there are days when I wonder how I managed to keep up with my ministry with all that needs done, and now there are two kids! But there is also so much joy, daily reminders of why it's all worth it, moments full of fun, and looking forward to all that being a family of four will mean.

(Intrigued with each other)

Regarding having a newborn in the house...it's only been two and half years but I've forgotten so much! So I'm learning how to breastfeed again, and relearning that nursing is a choice I've made that is both very hard to do and very hard to stick with. I'm relearning how squirmy newborns are when changing diapers and changing clothes and getting baths, and that little boys pee on you as often as they can. I'm relearning how painfully tired you can be and still have duties to perform. I'm relearning that there are deep sorrowful moments where I think, "I can't do this!" And I'm also relearning that there are deep joyful moments where I can't believe I created this miracle.

(One month pictures)

There are brand new things too: like how sweet Judah is in a totally different way, and how my heart can split and grow in a way I never thought was possible (before Isaiah was born I often thought, "my God, how will I love this one as much?"). And this time I'm mourning moments as they go by, since Isaiah is our last one, and taking mental pictures to remember both the challenge and the joy of these early days.

(Daddy and Isaiah)

So, how is Judah dealing with all of this? Mostly like a champ. He LOVES his brother. When we got home from the hospital he was very disappointed that Isaiah would not be sharing his room. He talks to Isaiah all the time and occasionally will say, "Mommy, he's not talking to me" or "he won't look at me." He gives Isaiah hugs and kisses and brings him toys and other things he thinks his "brudder" will like. He is such a great helper and encourages us in the ways that we can help his baby (yes, HIS baby): "Mommy, I think Isaiah wants a drink from your tummy"..."Daddy, I think my baby needs a toy"...and he comforts Isaiah when he cries (like one day in the car), "Don't worry Isaiah, we'll be home soon."

(Judah "burping" Isaiah like mommy does)

We really haven't had any of that hatred-of-new-baby from him. The only thing that indicates that he notices how much Isaiah has disrupted how we functioned before is his dislike of me on occasion. There was a short time period in those first few weeks when Judah wouldn't have anything to do with me. He wouldn't let me hug him or kiss him or get him things. Why does no one tell you that when you bring home baby #2 that baby #1 will hate you? I sobbed to my parents and Brett and cried myself to sleep several times because of this. As he's gotten used to Isaiah being around and needing mommy though, that has gone away, he's my loving little boy again. And Brett and I try to share the time so that Judah never feels slighted by me, though this does mean that there are times when Isaiah has to wait a few minutes to eat or cries to daddy for a little while, but these are the challenges of having more than one child.

(Our happy little guy)

As might be expected, my emotions have been all over the place. And while I am not dealing with postpartum depression like I did with Judah (I'll talk about that in a later blog), it is still a daily choice to be calm and loving and rational because there are moments when I feel none of those. The reminder to hold on comes from places like when Brett lovingly reminds me how much joy we have - and he's right. I'm married to my best friend, I have two beautiful boys, we have a warm house and food to eat and a supportive family. The reminders also come from things like late night nursing sessions when I become aware of how much I am needed by my newest baby and from grocery store declarations of love from my two year old in the middle of the produce aisle.

(Two month pictures)

Through this, I am reminded once again what a blessing it is that I get to be a mother, not everyone has that ability/chance/opportunity. So even in the midst of sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, crazy emotions and chaos...I give thanks to God for this life and for the opportunity to be called "Mommy."

9 months and Merry Christmas!

Status: 36 weeks (9 months)
Baby: (According to my OB) large, 80th percentile

 (Baby Spangler #2 at 34 weeks)

I know I haven't blogged very much with this one, it's been a fairly normal pregnancy. In addition to that, when you have a two-year-old running around with you and a full time job, your time is not your own. I'm doing what I can!

I need to be real honest, when you're nine months pregnant it is hard to focus on or care about anything else. It's hard to care about the things that are going on in the world. It's hard to focus on your job. It's hard to care about what how your house looks. It's hard to care how about you look. 

(Very pregnant Momma and Judah cuddling)

And my gosh I'm so uncomfortable. But, as if I don't already feel enormous, everyone who sees me wants to remind me that I look like I'm about to pop (or asks me if there's more than one baby in there). Sigh...no I'm not about to pop, my due date is still 4 weeks away. But I am cranky and sore and big, so I really appreciate those comments. And I've hit that sweet spot where I'm so emotional that I cry constantly, when I'm sad or when I'm mad or when nothing in particular is happening. So, I'm a delightful ball of crazy right now. My apologies for those who have to deal with me.

For example, I woke up from a nap this week (because I'm nine months pregnant I need a nap in order to be able to function) and cried when my alarm went off. I called Brett and that amazing man gave me a three-minute motivation. I kept saying I can't… I can't…I can't...and he said, "Maybe not, but WE can." I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly don't know how people without a supportive partner do it.

But enough complaining! I'm excited to meet this little guy and complete our family of four. Our little Judah is super excited about his baby brother too. He talks about him all the time, he's bought him gifts, and he's really thoughtful about what will happen when "my baby" comes (he has taken on the new baby as his own). Judah has chosen toys to share with him and foods he wants him to try. It's pretty adorable. I showed Judah the most recent sonogram and he said, "I can't wait to hug him and kiss him and share my raisins."

As far as Judah goes, he's doing well. He's two and half now and is such a funny, intelligent little guy. We feel truly blessed. There are so many funny stories I could share but let me just give you one example. We were changing clothes for bed and I left him in a diaper to get some jammies and he yelled, "Mommy, I found something on my body!" He seemed genuinely concerned. I looked where he was pointing and I said, "Well Judah that's your nipple. You have two. Everyone has nipples." He looked down at it and said in the saddest voice I've ever heard, "Oh....I don't WANT a nipple!" Too cute.

Well, we are looking forward to sharing our newest edition with you soon. In the meantime, Merry Christmas, friends!

(Judah, Christmas 2016)

Twenty Years (A tribute to my dad)

Today is twenty years...twenty years since my dad died. Twenty years is a long time, but not enough time to be past all of the emotions that come with losing a parent (I'm sure that never goes away). Every year it sneaks up on me because I don't prepare for it and then I see the date on a check or in my email and there it is, another year passed, and it makes me catch my breath. 

But that's how death is, isn't it? The memories sneak up when you least expect them and leak out of your eyes. Over the years there have been many moments (big and small) when this happens: my graduation, my sister's wedding, MY wedding, the start of the Olympics this year (of all things). 

(Pastor - Dad in his office)

As I remember my dad this year, let me tell you a story: 

(Important side note to start: Judah calls my biological dad "Papa Candy" because when we showed him pictures and talked about him that's what Judah thought we said instead of "Papa Andy" and it's so cute we didn't correct it.)

My dad's grave is in West Virginia. It's where he grew up and where his mom was when he died and since he was a pastor and we moved around it didn't make sense to bury him somewhere we weren't sure we'd be...so my dad's grave is in West Virginia. What this means is that I've been there three...maybe four times in 20 years. The last time was when grandma died in 2008.

We drove by St. Albans on our way to family vacation a few weeks ago and we decided to go by since it's so rare that we're in that area. On the way I told Brett and Judah some of my favorite stories about my dad and the things he would say and do. 

But how do you explain going to a grave site to a two year old? When we got there we there we decided it was best not to say "this is where Papa Candy is" because he might worry about that or want to see him. So instead we told him that it is a special place where we can go to remember Papa Candy.

As we were walking through looking for the gravestone Judah kept giggling and talking about Papa Candy. After a few minutes he began to get upset, and then he got distraught and started crying and saying "I see Papa Candy!" Even with our caution, he thought he was going to meet Papa Candy. We kept trying to explain to him that Papa Candy wasn't there, but it didn't help. It was heartbreaking for me. 

It's a hard enough thing to deal with my own emotions and loss about not having my dad around, but that day in the cemetery I understood (once again) that the impact of death is far reaching. My dad's death more than just impacts me and my siblings and my mom. 

My husband never got to meet him, and what a shame. How much trouble they would have caused together! How much fun they would have had! How many discussions (arguments) they would have had over politics! 

And my children will never meet him, or hear those stories about me as a kid, or learn guitar (or ukulele, or banjo or harmonica) from him. And at this age, Judah doesn't understand why he doesn't get to meet someone whose picture is up in our house.  

(The year I was born, with Dad and my older sister)

My history is a little less complete for not having his love, his stories, his advice, his wisdom. And while I am truly grateful for the men in my life; for my amazing step-dad, my wonderful father-in-law, for great uncles and siblings and other men who speak into my life...there is always a little missing piece, a dad-shaped hole. 

And so today, I remember my dad. Twenty years...it's a long time, but also it's not that long at all. 

The struggle of being a wife-mommy-pastor

Being a sane first-time parent takes some adjusting, I'm just being honest for my situation. Maybe you jumped right into it and got gold stars in parenting, that has not been my experience. It's taking some time to figure out how to do life with a kid (I'm still working on it!)

So, can I be really honest? I feel like a failure. For the last year (maybe plus some) I have been constantly fighting the feeling that I am failing in EVERY aspect of my life: as a wife, as a mom, as a pastor, as a friend, as a homemaker. I feel like nothing is getting enough time and therefore each area is suffering. It's tough to feel like a failure and like you're constantly letting everyone down. It's truly been a huge struggle. 

This past month I finally feel like I'm turning a corner with this. Several things have led to this change.

The first and most important is Brett. I honestly could not ask for a better partner. And I honestly could not have made it through this last few years without him. This man has been strong when I'm weak, kind when I'm hard on myself, he has encouraged me, and supported me and loved me through these last few years of major transition. He is my best friend and my loving spouse, he is a caring and attentive father. Even though I'm shaped differently and struggling with my self-image he continues to tell me I'm more beautiful every day. Even when the house is a mess, he says life is so much better now. He continues to encourage me, even when I struggle to get better. This man is amazing. 

The other thing that has been a major piece of this corner-turning is my support groups. I have four support groups I want to tell you about:  

1) School friends: Last week I went for a Pastor's retreat with several friends from seminary. We went to school together, we are all around the same age and we are all in ministry in some capacity. We stay in touch weekly (sometimes daily) with a facebook group, texts, emails...and twice a year or so we physically get together. This group keeps me going. They make me feel sane. We laugh together, cry together, dream together, and hash things out. We talk about ministry, yes, but we also talk about life. We have amazing deep discussions and ridiculous late night conversations. The time is never enough.

2) The second group is all ladies. Last month I spent a week at a women clergy conference. This was absolutely soul building for me. These ladies are awesome, a few of them are also pastor-mom's - we're kind of a rare breed. These women are funny and kind and thoughtful. Just being around them is an encouragement...just knowing I'm not the "only one." Their advice, support and love has been so important for me and has helped me move through this transition. 

3) Third is my SHAPE group. SHAPE means "Sustaining Health and Pastoral Excellence." It is a Church of God initiative that puts pastors together to help us build one another up for ministry.  It's function is to help us get personally/spiritually/emotionally healthy. The thought is that if we are wholly healthy we will be better leaders/pastors. We meet once a month. This small group of people in Northeast Ohio have become so dear to me. We are so different in our personalities, leading style, station in life, etc. but we come together and all of that slips away as we listen to each other and share our hearts. We have some awesome discussions, we share deep hurts, we pray together and we work on ourselves...together.

4) My family. I'm not going to say a lot here, I have an amazing family. AMAZING. I could write paragraphs about each person. My family is my first and always support group. I cannot adequately express how they have kept me afloat. 

Just looking this over I feel so blessed, I love these people. I love each group. I love each person involved. They have helped me get past this lie I've told myself that I am a failure. My time with these awesome people has reassured me that 1) I'm not alone in this (life/ministry/whatever) and 2) I have more priorities now as a mom and that it's ok (and even necessary) that things will shift. 

These people (all of them in different ways) have helped me to see that I need to give myself some grace (Brett's been telling me this all along!). I'm going to work on that, but it's helpful to remember that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one dealing with this and that my new priorities are important and necessary. 

Because that's the thing, I CANNOT have the same priorities…there is literally another person who is dependent on me to be alive. It's so simple! I can't believe that it took me almost a year to figure out that's why I wasn't handling life well. Of course I'm not going to be able to give the same amount of attention to the church, of course the house isn't going to be as clean, of course I can't keep working 60+ hours a week, of course the garden can't get weeded every few days. Why did I think that I could continue to do everything else on top of being a mom? Of course some things had to change. What was I thinking? 

So a deep and true thank you to these people who have spoken truth to me. A sincere thank you for walking beside me through this, for dealing with me while I've been so difficult and for reminding me to love myself. I need you, I thank you, I love you! 

One last note: If you're feeling alone mommy-friend or daddy-friend or any type of friend that's reading this, I want to encourage you to find some like-minded (like-lifed) friends to share your story with and build each other up. Life is not meant to be done in isolation. You need them and they need you.  

"Friends afford us the chance to hear the voice of God's encouragement, feel the warmth of God's embrace and experience the intensity of God's listening...by receiving the love of people who, though they know us, love us anyway." Quote by Reggie McNeal, "A Work of Heart"

11 months of Judah

We are one short month away from celebrating a one year old! How did we get here? We feel so blessed and are continually experiencing more and more joy with this little boy. It's been awhile so let's get into it:

Food: Judah is 11 months old and weighs about 20 pounds. He's still super skinny and tall for his age, but he is starting to get an awesome baby Buddha-belly because of his deep love for food.

(Stealing Natania's banana bread)

He started off slowly with food, but once he got into it, he really got into it. Until a few weeks ago I have made all of his food. Fun and healthy things frozen into cubes. We'd get a few out for each meal and he just loved it. Two weeks ago we were in North Carolina for a week for a women clergy conference (Brett and Judah came with me because I'm still nursing Judah). Since we flew we had no opportunity to make his food or bring it with us so we fed Judah from our plates along with a few store bought items during the week.

To say he loved it is putting it mildly. That boy ate...and ate...and ate. He tried so many new things. We jumped from trying new things slowly/every few days and being cautious about allergies and choking hazards to all of a sudden eating everything and many new things a day and things with spices and things that were mixed...oh man, he was loving life.

So then we come home and I have all these great cubed things...which he now won't eat. *Sigh* So now we cook for him at every meal. He loves eating, I mean he LOVES it. He can't get enough, he's never full. He always wants more and we just eventually cut him off. Tonight for instance...he had a rice wafer, 5 oz. of mashed carrots and corn, 4 oz. of banana and plum, some of my soup, some of Brett's soup, 2 oz. of shredded chicken, some cut up red pepper and 5 oz of yogurt and applesauce mixed. His meal times take forever...sometimes 45 minutes! But it's so much fun, this kid loves food.

Favorite foods: Red pepper and green beans


Communication: This little boy has always been a pretty happy one, but he is increasingly happy and loves life. He laughs all the time, he smiles and grins. He giggles (mostly at daddy, I'm not nearly as funny). He has joy that inspires me. He loves life, it's so great.

However, he is also discovering the oh-so-human manipulation tactics. If we take something from him or if he doesn't get what he wants he will throw himself to the ground or go limp and lean back away from us. I'm sure when he's 13 we won't think so, but right now his temper tantrums are the cutest! He's an adorable little pouter. It's so hard not to give in when he does this.

Judah is starting to communicate really well. He was doing some baby sign language but now he's given that up in lieu of words. He babbles constantly...we are aware of four words for sure: more, dad, mom and uh-oh. It's so great to know what he's saying to us!

* "More" was his first and only word for a long while (said mostly in the context of food - of course). When he started saying more it was "mum-mum" along with his sign language for more. We were very aware that he was saying "more" and not "mom." A blow to my ego, but there it is. Now it actually sounds like more.
* "Dada" - oh, he knows who daddy is. Daddy is the funniest guy in the world and the best playmate. * "Mama/Mom" - there is a distinct difference between more and mom now. A side note about this one: I usually put Judah to bed, the other night I was at a meeting and so Brett put him to bed instead. Judah would ask "mama?" and Brett told him I wasn't there right now and Judah cried and then would ask for me again. This is both heartbreaking and also heartwarming for me.
* "Uh-oh" just this week he learned "uh-oh." He uses it both for when things fall and for anything he doesn't like. Yesterday Brett put him in the car and he yelled "uh-oh" at Brett for awhile. He says it at 2:30 in the morning when he wakes up and wants out of the crib. We've also learned that it can be a warning, he'll say "uh-oh" and then throw his food/cup/toy on the floor and then point at it. It's adorable.

Along with words he also waves, hugs and kisses us (love this!),  points at things (where's mommy? he'll point at me) and shakes head no (Judah, do you want to nap? he shakes head and grins).

Motor Skills: Judah is developing and moving along as I suppose is normal. He loves to dance, he's standing on his own completely sturdy now.

He climbs on anything he can and he's even started taking a few steps! He still loves the bath and splashes around and plays on his belly and swims his toys around the tub. He enjoys daddy's Motiv boxes and bags and loves to climb in them, drag them around and flip them over.

He absolutely loves to explore; he wants to get in things and on things and under things. He wants to open every door and drawer and cupboard. He wants to fit into small spaces and get onto high spaces. He moves and explores constantly.

He's such a busy little bee. It's so much fun to see him grow and learn. It's also a little bit terrifying, so many things could happen! I'm sure this terror just continues to grow as a parent when kids get more and more independent.

I know this was a long one, thanks for reading...like I always say (because it's absolutely true) this little boy is such a great source of joy. We feel so blessed to be his parents and thank God for him every single day.

9 months and growing fast!

Man, apparently I'm not great at keeping up.

Judah is now 9 months old! It's crazy to think that he's already so old. Oh my goodness things are going by so quickly! At his 9 month appointment he weighed 18 lb 2 oz. He's in the normal range and healthy!

Judah is now standing on his own (usually when he is getting food from one of us), he's walking along behind his lion walker, he has definite sounds for specific things. He recognizes his name and turns when we call him. He waves at us, at the TV, at anyone and everyone in the mall, at himself in the mirror...he loves to wave. He can also point at us when we ask him, "Where's mommy?" or "Where's daddy?" He's such a smart and sweet little boy, we are so in love with him.

Since it's been so long I've got a lot of pictures, so I'll let them help me update.

This is at Christmas, he loved the tree and the pretty lights:

He is growing so quickly, he looks like a little boy in this picture and not a baby! Although I suppose he's shaped like a baby, look at the size of that noggin!

He loves different textures and sights. Here he is looking at the snow and feeling the cold window. He spent a lot of time looking at Nana and Papa's porch and licking this window. 

In January he discovered his tongue. He enjoys sticking it out, licking things, blowing raspberries and making weird sounds with it. Also, he now has three teeth (two on the bottom middle and one of his top front teeth).

Bath time remains one of his most favorite things ever. He giggles and laughs and splashes around as long as he's in there. He gets very upset when the water gets turned off and then when the water runs out. I'm pretty sure he would live in the bath if we let him. When we go into this bathroom he gets so excited that he dances because he knows it's bath time. 

Judah is such a dare devil and he's so busy. He's always learning and discovering and figuring out what else he can do. You can't leave him for 2 seconds or something like this happens (and yep, apparently I'm that mom who grabs the camera first and then saves the kid). 

One thing he hates is wearing a hat, and even though the weather has been seriously cold, he tries to get it off when we aren't looking. I found him like this the other day when I went to get him out of the car...apparently he's not quite mastered getting it all the way off his head. 

This month Judah turned 9 months old, we always try to get monthly pictures and while I usually don't post those on here, this one I couldn't resist. This may be one of my all time favorite Judah pictures. Brett captured this great moment where I am trying to get Judah to hold the flag so that we could see it and he was just not having it. He kept trying to escape and by the look on his face you would think I was torturing him! Oh man...this picture makes me laugh every time I look at it. 

 

We remain astounded that this precious little boy is ours. He is such a happy and delightful baby - I thank God every single day that I get to be his mommy. It is so much fun watching him learn and grow and become his own little person. 

I get to be a mommy

Holding my baby boy and looking into his eyes, it would be easy to forget the pain of years of uncertainty, inability to get pregnant, a miscarriage, and general frustration. But it's important to me that I remember that pain. I need to remember that there are people out there who are still struggling, who are frustrated, who are heart broken. It's important to me that I recognize the amazing blessing it is just to be a mommy, because not everyone gets that chance.

Last week I had lunch with a friend and we talked about how not enough people talk about the negative/painful/frustrating side of child bearing, and it's so common.

Even within my small circle of friends there is a couple who lost a full term baby (complications during the birth), a couple who can't have kids, multiple miscarriages (in multiple couples) and a couple whose child has a chronic illness. And that's just several families. There are so many things that can go wrong at so many junctures just trying to bring a kid into this world. And once that kid is here, holy cow...there are so many more things that can happen, so many opportunities for heartbreak.

Here's my point...I get to be a mommy. What a rare blessing!

Sure, I puked at least once (and sometimes more) every day I was pregnant. I had major heartburn (no wonder - that baby was hairy). And I felt like a whale. But I get to be a mommy.

Yeah, the birthing process was rough, and there are body parts which are just never coming back from that. But I get to be a mommy.

I never get more than (at best) 5 hours of sleep in a row. I have been pooped on, peed on, and puked on numerous times. Judah drools like a champ, and while playing I often get spit on my arm, face, clothing, and occasionally in my mouth. My house is never as clean as I want it to be, my work is never as done as I want it to be, and I am never as put together as I would hope to be. I have scratches on my face, my neck, my arms and my chest from his tiny razor nails and I  have lost so much hair to those tiny hands...

BUT, I get to be a mommy. I get to be a mommy...

Maybe it's good that it took us so long to get pregnant...because I know what a rare blessing it is. Every single day I thank God for my Judah and for the time I get with him - no matter what that means. I get to be a mommy, I get to have this beautiful boy in my life. Thank you, God, what a blessing. I pray that I never forget what a gift this baby boy is. There are so many people who can't have children or who have lost children, and I get to be a mommy.

Washcloth...my only friend

We now have a five month old, man the time is flying! Judah is growing and changing every day. He is getting bigger and he is engaging with us more and more. He gives us kisses now (with a lot of slobber as well), and is figuring out how to get around. He can't quite do the normal hands and knees crawl, but he can move across the floor with amazing speed. He is also teething, which means he doesn't always love life but still...he's such a pleasant little guy.

His new things is that he likes to be to chewing on something at all times. He really likes blankets: to chew on, to throw around, to put over his face. And it's especially while he's going to sleep...but we're not comfortable leaving a blanket in the crib with him. (Side note: he does wear a sleep sac/wearable blanket so he's not cold...also, why don't they make those things for adults!?Am I right?)

So anyway, he loves the blankets while he's getting to sleep, so what we've done is give him a washcloth for those purposes. He can chew on it, throw it around and put it over his face without the concern of suffocating under it.

Well last night I fed him and he was restless but it was bed time so as the doctor has suggested, we left him to self-sooth for a few minutes and he quieted down pretty quickly. Later, when we went up to bed, we checked on him and there he was...hugging washcloth like it was his only friend.

I've got to be honest, it was both the cutest and the saddest thing. He's just so adorable in their hugging his little washcloth, but it also made me feel like the worst parent ever. All he wanted was a little company and I left him in there alone with a washcloth. Argh...the heartbreak of parenthood.

This past few weeks Brett was in Vegas, so I got a lot of Mommy-Judah time. We've got such a sweet little guy, I truly thank God everyday for this blessing. Even when I'm tired, I can't help but be happy when I'm around this sweet little face.

4 month update

Oh my, sorry it's been so long since I have written, it's been a busy few weeks and Brett's been gone some.

A few weeks ago our family came by for Milo's dedication. Ash and Jennie came early with Milo, who is Judah's cousin and is 8 months old. They had such a fun time together, it's so fun to have boys that will be the same age through the years. They shared their toys, took some pictures together and got to know each other better. While they were here cousin Milo crawled for the first time! It was so great to have been able to experience that with the New's!
 

Judah is now four months old! My goodness, how fast life is going. He is 15lbs 7oz., about 50th percentile for his age, and he is 99th percentile of height! He's so tall he's already wearing 6-9 month sleepers although his waist is so small he can still wear newborn pants (although they're way too short).

He's just such a delightful baby, he really is so pleasant. He smiles and laughs all the time. He loves mommy and daddy and is responding well to both of us. He will look for us when he hears one of us talking (which is frustrating when Brett talks and he's nursing). He is trying new sounds, one of which is a high pitched screech (that's delightful :/), but it's fun. He's responding to us and talking to us all the time. He also likes the baby in the mirror, but sometimes he gets upset when he sees mommy holding that other baby.

Judah has started playing in the bath - kicking and punching at the water. He loves to watch it splash. He is so happy in the tub, he doesn't even mind it when we wash his face! Our Judah Bug also loves his new saucer play station (thanks Fields') and his jumper (thanks Kaiser's). He's learning and exploring all the time, he's able to grab stuff on purpose and with both hands. He is starting to enjoy having us read to him (he used to cry and cry when I would try).

A few not so great things:

I had the horrific experience of "my-baby-rolled-off-the-couch" this week. I can't begin to tell you how horrible I feel, oh man. I set him on the couch (which he had been doing well) to lay out his play mat and heard a thunk. I turned around and he was looking at me...so betrayed. Then he starting wailing - like WAILING. Well of course I started sobbing as well. I was convinced I had hurt him beyond repair. I called the doctor's emergency line and after a few questions they determined he was fine but I should keep an eye on him. He didn't even get a bump, but I felt like crap.

Our poor little Judah had his first cold this week too. He was so pathetic and sad, it was hard to watch him just be sick. His little nose was all stuffy. But we did all the things you're supposed to and he's better now.

Every day is something new and it's really delightful. We just love being parents.

Asleep...on his face

Before we get to the Judah update...let's get real. I've said it before and I'll say it again, being a mom is not easy. Last night/early this morning I had a major breakdown.

As you know, Judah has started rolling. Well this week he took it to a whole new level with the rolling. All he ever wants to do is roll, although it's pretty much only in one direction. Sometimes he likes it, but sometimes when he gets on his tummy he gets frustrated. For the last two nights he has started rolling in his sleep. He rolls to one side of the crib and starts screaming because he's stuck. So he's not getting much sleep and guess what? Neither am I.

Well, last night was particularly bad. He wouldn't go down, because he kept rolling over and when he was on his tummy he was mad. Brett and I took turns trying to calm him down enough to sleep before we went to bed. Then he only slept for short periods of time. I nursed him every 1.5 to 2 hours since that seemed to calm him down enough to sleep (he's been going for much longer periods of time at night). 

Well after I fed him once again at 5:30 he absolutely wouldn't be calm. He wasn't awake really, but he wouldn't stop rolling and when he was on his tummy he was mad. But he fought me when I tried to turn him over to his back.

Well, after trying to turn him with no luck I started pleading with him a little (as if pleading with a 3 month old can work)...and then I started crying...and then I started sobbing. At this point it's a little past 6am. I'm not sure if he was mad at not being able to roll or if he was responding to my tears, but he started crying and then he started screaming. At this point Brett heard him screaming and ran in to find me sobbing over the crib. He moved me out of the way to check on Judah and I fell to the ground in hysterics.

...True confessions of a tired mom, I was a mess. This mom stuff is hard. Thank God for Brett, he is such a blessing. He took the baby downstairs, made sure he was ok, and then came up to comfort me (I was still crying hysterically - the kind where you get hiccups and can't breathe - and going off about how I was a bad mom). Needless to say, I slept for several hours and woke up to a healthy and happy little baby. Sigh*

So...today we practiced at nap time with letting him flip over and stay asleep. He did alright and tonight he flipped over and we let him calm himself while keeping a close eye on him. I know everyone says once they can roll they are safe on their tummy but *seriously* how do you not freak out when your baby is sleeping on his face!?

Also, sometimes his sleeve gets caught while he is rolling, this is how we found him yesterday:

Besides the rolling, a few other updates: Judah can now hold things intentionally which is fun. He can play with his toys and he keeps getting a grasp of his feet and this is one of his new favorite positions:

 He also loves...and I mean LOVES being in the carrier with daddy. He will happily hang out for hours in that thing.

He is drooling like a champ, he talks constantly, he continues to love bath time and he loves to dance. He is still smiling and laughing all the time, in fact he has taken to pausing every few minutes while nursing to coo and laugh at me, this kid is a happy little guy! He is a gift!

3 months already!

First, a response to my previous post: just FYI, as distraught as I am about jeans shopping, I want to be clear that I would not trade Judah for the best body in the world. Just thought I should spell that out and now...an update on Judah:

This week he turned three months old! How time flies. He is 14 lbs 6 oz. He doesn't seem that much bigger to me, but he's growing out of outfits almost weekly and I've noticed that when I'm nursing him my arm is getting tired because his head is so heavy (read: big).

He is making all sorts of talking sounds and trying out his voice. He talks and squeals and responds to us. He also giggles and cackles, especially when Brett makes funny noises or tickles him. One of our favorite things is when he smiles so big that he loses his paci, which happens frequently. He thinks we are really funny and he'll grin or laugh and the pacifier just falls out of his mouth.

Last Thursday we had an awesome experience. Judah rolled over (!!) from his back to his front, which really startled him and then he face-planted. Later, while we were doing tummy time, he rolled from his front to his back. He repeated that front to back roll several times during the day including when we were face-timing Grandma and Grandpa (Brett's parents) and then later when we were face-timing Nana and Papa (Shannon's parents)! Our little guy is developing and growing  up so fast!

Time is going  by so quickly, we are trying to enjoy every moment and every stage.  

The good, the bad and the ugly

There are things no one tells you about pregnancy, the birth process and new parenthood. The reason for this (I now understand) is two-fold: first, because it is impossible to share it all and second, because there are some things you just have to experience.

There are some things I can share though:

1) Pregnancy was hard but people are right, you totally forget about all of the crap when they place that little baby on you and you look into his eyes for the first time: it's just amazing. You forget the sickness of the first few months, you forget about food aversions and peeing ten times in the middle of the night, you forget the uncomfortable feeling of having feet in your ribs, you forget about waddling around, you forget about the swollen ankles and fingers and you just stare amazed at this life you have created (as Brett says, "This is what our love created!") Amazing, truly amazing.

2) The birthing process is ROUGH and in my case people were not right, this I will not forget or get over. It was traumatic (physically and emotionally), I will not go into details but let me tell you, it's honestly the hardest thing I've ever done (also, let me just say, get an epidural...always get the epidural). But it does not end at birth...labor is rough, the birth is rougher and the recovery is the roughest.  I'm still recovering after over a month...and it's not even close to over yet. I am not exaggerating...this process (for me) was the worst. I know this is not the case for everyone, but it does happen. If you are a pregnant lady and want to talk about this, feel free to contact me and I'll share.

3) I am now in the mommy zone, I (like many mothers before me) think my baby is the cutest and the sweetest and the smartest baby.  I want to share pictures of him all the time. I want to talk about the cuteness and the faces he makes and really just everything about him all the time. I totally get it now, but that's why I have this blog.

4) Crazy pregnancy hormones flow immediately into crazy postpartum hormones. I truly could not stop crying the first few days, sometimes almost hyperventilating. That has slowed down at this point but even still, for me, it's a lot of crying that's happening. I have been told by many people that this is normal. I sure hope so because I feel crazy.

5) Breastfeeding is hard but totally worth it. Besides the obvious benefits for baby of breast milk, the bonding time that I get with baby is beautiful and even though I sometimes get overwhelmed because of how much he needs to eat and how I feel like a milk jug, I would not trade the time for anything.

These are just a few of my insights...more to come.

Settling into our new life

We have been home for two weeks (I spent a lot of time in the hospital for some complications) and we are settling into our new life as a three-part family. It's not easy, but it's wonderful.

One of my dear friends told me this when I was feeling anxious about being a mom and having a kid a few months ago: "Your job, your one job the first few months: keep baby alive." She told me, "don't make yourself crazy...keep baby alive." I didn't realize how much I would need this bit of advice.

Everything seems overwhelming right now, and everything seems to be too much, and my emotions are crazy, and I don't know how I'm going to work as well as have a kid, and Judah wants to eat all the time, and I'm not getting enough sleep, and I don't know how to fix it when he cries...

And then I remind myself to calm down: keep baby alive. That I can do...he's fed, he's warm, he's loved. Baby is alive, so even if he's crying, it's probably ok. Even if I'm crying, it's probably ok. It is overwhelming, but it will be ok. I'm trying to remind myself of that, some days I have to remind myself more often.  

Keep baby alive, love baby, feed baby: this is my job right now, and it's full time. This is why it's imperative that people take time from work when they have a baby - it's not a vacation or a break (what a laugh), it's necessary. And I'm doing it, of course with the help of my amazing husband Brett. So really, we're doing it, and we're settling into our roles.

I mostly am just a source of food right now, I have trouble even comforting Judah because he can smell that I'm the momma. But I love that time we get together, I pray for him or sing to him or read books to him, sometimes I just talk to him. It's something I already know I'm going to miss, I treasure every minute of it.

Sometimes in the middle of the night Judah doesn't want to go back to sleep after he eats, so Brett gets his time with baby - he says he loves that time because that's his time with Judah. Brett takes Judah into the nursery to rock him and let me get some sleep.

Today I introduced Judah to the greatness that is the Beatles. He loved it (of course), we danced and I sang to him with John, Paul, George and Ringo in the background for half an hour until he was lulled into a beautiful Beatles induced slumber. Train up a child, right?

So...we're figuring out how to take turns, who does what, and how to live in this new life.  I honestly don't know how people do this without support. I feel so blessed with an amazing husband and an amazing family.

Here is a glimpse into the cuteness that I get to experience: the bond of daddy and son.

Monumental: Had a Baby!

We welcomed Judah Mitchell Spangler into the world on May 27, 2014 at 8:13pm. 

Judah was 5 days early, but right on time for us. We are delighted to be parents, although it is still a bit surreal to say that we have a kid! 

His name: We wanted to have an Old Testament name, we had a long list that we pared down over the months and finally got down to two names: Levi and Judah. As we got closer and closer to his due date we both separately decided that Judah was the name. Judah means "praised." His middle name is in honor of my Uncle Mitch - an amazing man who has been a huge part of our life. 

His weight: He was born at 8lb 2oz, a little smaller than estimated, proof that sonograms aren't perfect (thank goodness!). I was so concerned about having a monster baby and he's the cutest little thing! And of course, he lost weight as all babies do, but is back up to birth weight this week.

His demeanor: He is a funny little guy who is always looking either terrified or skeptical, this is highly amusing to us. He's also always impossibly cute. He seems to be a pretty content little guy: he likes the outdoors, rocking in his swing and staring out the window.  He sometimes enjoys it when you sing to him, and of course he like eating ;)   

Our little man is an amazing gift from God. We wanted him so badly and tried for so long and we are so delighted to have had this opportunity/experience to get pregnant and to be pregnant...and now we look forward to the experience of being a family. Brett and I love being a couple and the life that we have...please continue to pray for us as we figure out life that is totally different now, and awesome in a different way.  We love this little guy more than we can explain and are delighted to now be a family of three. 

Want to keep up with Judah and our family? Stay tuned right here!